Well, This Sucks - Short personal disaster post

"Hamtractor" (johnny-bullet) 11/12/2018 at 11:58 • Filed to: None

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After four years in a tumultous marriage to a mentally ill woman, including the adoption of her son, I packed my stuff and got out this weekend.  Mental and physical abuse, constant warfare in the house, it was a bad as one can imagine.  She will never agree, but this situation was going to destroy our son’s life, not to mention ours.  I had no choice.  But now I wait as she threatens to “ruin my life” and “get me” for what I did.  Looks like a long crappy road ahead, but I know that I only stayed as long as I did because I was a afraid how bad it would be and finally realized that short-term craziness and suffering through whatever the break-up and divorce brings will definitely be better than staying.  She will poison my son against me, and try to keep him from me, and whatever else hellish crap she will come up with, but I can’t do it anymore.  Doesn’t make the lost and adrift feeling any less intense though.  I’m drowning here.  Just wanted to vent.

WilliamsSW > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 12:09

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Shit. That’s awful - but it sounds to me like you’re taking an absolutely necessary step. I’m sure that your lawyer has already told you this, but document the HELL out of every single one of her actions, for you and your son’s sakes. And fight like hell for him - it sounds to me like she could poison him (figuratively) period, not just against you.

It will be hell for a while, I’m sure  - but when you come out on the other side, you’ll be glad you did it.  Good luck!

Biggus Dickus (RevsBro) > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 12:09

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Sorry to hear that. Lawyer up, get custody of your son. If there is a history of abuse this should be very dooable. 

merged-5876237249235911857-hrw8uc > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 12:10

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I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Doesn’t sound good at all. Best wishes to you and your boy.

Have you guys used any counseling through the years?  

Just Jeepin' > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 12:13

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Very sorry to hear that, and best of luck.

My sister had to leave a mentally ill husband, and while it was terrible at the time, there is light at the end of the tunnel. She’s now very happy, married to a genuinely good guy.

Aremmes > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 12:13

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C hange your phone number. M ove your money to a different bank. If employed (and not self-employed), switch jobs. Rip and/or throw away anything related to her that you may have in your possession. A clean break is the proper way to deal with that kind of situation.

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > Aremmes 11/12/2018 at 12:17

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I absolutely agree about the back account, and also cancel credit cards with both names.

Chariotoflove > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 12:33

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I’m so sorry.  I hope you’re able to protect your son at least to some extent.

Mid Engine > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 13:11

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Been there, go to Goodwill and buy the stuff you need. Get a dog. Begin the process of rebuilding your life, and rest assured you’ll be a much happier and produ ctive person. If you’re lucky you’ll meet a wonderful person eventually, I got very lucky with my new wife. 

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 13:35

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Ah man... sorry to hear that. I’m divorced too.

And I don’t think I’ll ever get married again. I personally don’t see any meaningful benefits that outweigh the downsides and/or potential downsides

As others mentioned, document everything.

I also suggest you start writing a journal just so you can organize and dump your thoughts.

Did you ever call the police on her regarding the physical abuse?  

Hamtractor > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 13:51

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I never called the police, and her adult daughter will lie to back her mother up no matter what. In the process of making all the financial works now, although luckily we never shared a ban k account, the only credit card we shared is a maxed out Home Depot card. We tried counseling, both professional and through our church where we were both youth leaders until she freaked out this weekend. Honestly, my own struggles and feelings are pale compared to how hard the 30 kids we’ ve been ministering to for the last three years and our son. There is no way to explain to kids who thought you’d always be there that you are out because adults suck. Looking for a lawyer now, she’s has threatened all kinds of crap. She even said she was going to get a restraining order against ME, in an effort to keep me away from our son and to ruin my life. There are a lot of moving parts to this that make my own attempt to get an order against her very difficult and a bad idea, but because I was convicted of felony drug possession in 1998, my felony record is an automatic strike against me in this situation. Never been in trouble since, been a fireman, a youth leader at church, etc, but she will try to literally ruin or imprison me if she can. Gonna have to get a lawyer to navigate this mess for me...

Thank you all for the support, Oppo is a great community with a value far beyond our shared love of wheeled madness.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 13:54

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Damn... I’m sorry. How old is your son, and what’s your relationship like with him? No matter how hard it is and will be , he needs his dad, and whatever stability you can offer his life without actually living under the same roof every day with him. 

shop-teacher > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 13:57

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I’m really to hear that.  Hang in there man.  I’m sure it’s a rough road ahead, but you’ll survive.

Hamtractor > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 11/12/2018 at 14:01

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He’s thirteen, and we have been thick as thieves, but the last couple of months, with the fighting as bad as it’s been, he’s kind of pulled away from me an d put up a wall.  Mostly because he’s always going to be loyal to his mom, I get that.  I just hope someday, preferably sooner than later, he’ll see that I was not the bad guy here and that if I can’t talk to him or see him that it was his mother’s doing...

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 14:10

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Despite the wall, and however wide and tall it gets in the short term, just keep letting him know in no uncertain terms how much you love and care for him and want the best for him . If it’s possible, met him for lunch once a week (on a school day, maybe ?) so you can keep up your relationship and give him a place to vent and confide in you and see & feel that love and devotion (no matter how hard it gets or how much he’s pissed at you). Don’t allow yourself to speak ill of his mom in front of him, however hard that may be. It will be easy to let the distance grow between you, with the anger from his mom, and whatever projected anger that leads to from him, but don’t let him push you away. Whatever he might say or do , every kid  wants and needs his dad.

Once again, I’m really sorry to hear it. All the best.

Tapas > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 11/12/2018 at 14:15

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^^^^So much this.

Hamtractor > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 11/12/2018 at 14:16

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Solid advice brother, than you. I never even wanted to be a dad, lol. Now it’s my defining thing, been teaching him man stuff all these years, from working on the K5 to coaching his wrestling team, he’s really awesome.  Praying he keeps room for me in his heart, I’ll always love him.

Tapas > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 14:18

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I admire your courage in making the decision you made to end it.

The future you will be incredibly thankful for finally pulling the plug.

I understand there’s no “end” per se, but I’m sure things will be so much better a year or two from today. And after your son is an adult, there will be no reason for you to ever have to deal with her.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 14:27

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That’s great. Hope it works to keep coaching him & his team. Tell him you want him to have the Blazer one day (assuming that’s true! ), if you haven’t already . These words you’ve just written above are really powerful. It may be worth writing him a letter   (and making sure he gets it and reads it) with these same thoughts & feelings and more.

Monkey B > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 14:54

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sad to say I know the feels...hang in there, better times are ahead.

Hamtractor > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 11/12/2018 at 15:31

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Bought the Blazer specifically as a project we could build together so he’d have some sweat equity in his first ride, hoping he still wants to do that!

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 15:39

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It’s a pretty damn big carrot. 

f86sabre > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 16:24

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Oppo hug for you. Sounds like you did the best thing you could in a tough situation. Protect your safety and mental wellbeing as best you can. 

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 17:24

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Very sorry to hear friend, you did what you needed to do. Fight for your son and try to rebuild your life from here - there is nowhere to go but up. Feel free to vent to us as needed, us Oppo peeps are here for you!

RPM esq. > Hamtractor 11/12/2018 at 19:10

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He will. Just make sure he knows you’re there for him. Teenagers are obviously moody (not their fault, adolescent hormones are a roller coaster) and boys especially are bad at reaching out to tell you what they need, but just keep inviting him to do stuff together (even just to take him out for a burger or something), keep telling him you’re there for him, and be patient when he’s dealing with the difficult emotions this will bring. Sounds like you’re both in for some rough sailing but it’s not like you’re disappearing from his life. davesaddiction’s advice is really good—you can acknowledge that the situation sucks for everybody without badmouthing his mother.

Kids also swing back and forth between being closer with their moms to closer with their dads (or other good, accessible male role models like stepdads, uncles, coaches, etc.) over the years. He may go through a year or two where his mom feels like the right person to go to and there’s not much it seems you can offer, but it’ll swing the other way in a couple years to a period when he won’t feel comfortable going to his mom with some stuff and he’ll need your advice and a good man-hug. As long as you’re available all along when he thinks he doesn’t need you, he’ll come to you when he does.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Hamtractor 04/08/2019 at 17:46

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Awesome reading your latest post about your son with the context of this hard stuff a few months back . Happy for you.

Hamtractor > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 04/08/2019 at 18:19

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Thanks dude! We’ve gone into some serious counseling and are working hard to save this thing.  Thanks for the encouragement!

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Hamtractor 04/09/2019 at 09:11

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Great to hear it. Wishing a ll the best for you three.